A letter to my younger self...

Dear 20-year-old Rita,

Turning 40 is going to panic you but try not to fall apart. Here’s a little advice from your older, wiser self to help you through the next several years.

You are just figuring out that your parents aren’t perfect. Take it easy on them. They raised six children. (That’s double the amount that you’ll be brave enough to parent!) And, they didn’t kill any of them! They are great people. After you have your own babies, you’ll feel blessed every day to be their daughter and hope that your children feel as loved as you do.

Try to stand out in a class at BYU once-in-a-while. You’re going to need some letters of recommendation for graduate school in a few years. You will be surprised that you enjoy working outside the home and the wrestle between work and family will be a long one. You will strike a balance and feel blessed for it.

Be nice to the nerds that ask you on dates. You’re going to get tired of watching all your friends date and get married so be happy that anyone asks you out! You really are a magnet for geeks but guess what…you’ll end up marrying one and he is great. He’s cute and clever and will think you’re the same.

Embrace your emotionality. It’s actually a strength, not a weakness. Using your compassion and warmth to understand and help other people will bring you happiness and a sense of purpose. You will count as a gift even brief encounters with other of God’s children. Continue to develop your sincere interest in people who cross your path and you will learn and love much.

You will be a runner! Quit laughing. Seriously, your chubby, non-athletic body will take you down the road for many miles. You’ll learn to love hating it and even run some marathons. Oh, and you’ll still be chubby and non- athletic. Sorry.

Your future kids are funny, smart and beautiful. You will love each of them in completely different ways but more deeply than you can imagine. As discouraged as you get as a mom, know that they love you too. Savor the small moments that you recognize and believe this. You have scores of hopes and desires for your kids but some will go unrealized when you learn to choose your battles. Work to let go of what you want and focus on showing that you love them no matter what. (Spoiler alert—that universal parent’s wish…that you will have kids just like you…It’s gonna happen. Brace yourself.)

You will accomplish a lot of things that you do not feel capable of right now. Work to acknowledge your capacity to achieve but don’t misinterpret your skills as invincibility. Figure out the difference between humility and weakness. Ask for help when you need it and don’t feel bad when you do. I am sorry to tell you that your tiring struggle with insecurity will persist. Oh that you could absorb the genuine appreciation and love that others heap on you. Sadly, they will not convince you of your worth. Please find a way to figure this out.

Take some deep breaths. You’re going to make it.

Love,

40-year-old YOU

P.S. Don’t forget to wear sunscreen. Your skin will never tan and your multitudes of freckles do not coalesce into one.

Even Alec gets it.

ALEC: "Only one more day until your birthday!"
ME: "Yep. Good remembering."
ALEC: "And then you won't be my mom anymore."
ME: "What? Yes I will. Why did you say that?"
ALEC: "Because then you're going to be an old grandma."

Thanks for the bowling ball, Homer.

Do you remember the episode of the Simpsons where Homer runs to the mall to purchase a last-minute birthday gift for Marge? Being panicked and distracted and HOMER, he ends up buying a bowling ball drilled for his fingers and engraved with his name.

This is my Homer gift from Brent:
This gift differs from the bowling ball for Marge in that #1 it was not last minute, it was actually three days early and #2 I love it almost as much as Brent does! Woohoo. Thanks, Honey.

We run.

RUN

Function: verb

Meaning to go at a pace faster than a walk

Synonyms dash, gallop, jog, scamper, sprint, trip, trot

Near Antonyms amble, lumber, plod, saunter, shamble, shuffle, stroll; crawl, creep, poke; plod, trudge; hobble, limp

Brent ran the Salt Lake City FULL Marathon on Saturday. He finished in 4:12:29 and set a PR (personal record)!! Yay Brenty-Boo!! You can read his complete race report here.

I did "go at a pace faster than a walk" (plus some other near antonyms) the Salt Lake 1/2 Marathon and finished in 2:29:45 and set a PNSGBNMW (personal not so good but not my worst) time. Yay me!!

Brent's super supportive parents were at the finish line to cheer us both. They are great.

Next up...30K (18.6 miles!!) this Saturday in training for the Ogden Full Marathon just around the corner. YIKES!

Growing up...or old...or both.

So maybe you remember that I'M TURNING 40?!! Oh good. Just makin' sure.

As per a responsible adult, I recently went in for my "yearly" girl doctor checkup. "Yearly" in quotes because the first question the doctor asked was, "I have your last appointment date as nearly five years ago. Have you been seen somewhere else?" Uh, NO. Okay, I guess I should have put "responsible" in quotes instead.

The exam itself was uncomfortable as its several predecessors had forecast. Expected. Unexpected was the ensuing, lengthy discussion covering many topics that did much to heighten my already soaring anxiety...
birth control (we can't dethrone Alec as the youngest, favorite child now can we?),
weight control (can't I pleeasse just run a little and then eat a lot of whatever I want?) ,
sleep (lack thereof),
stress (abundance thereof),
nutritional supplements (for my rapidly draining body stash) and
recommended tests (you know, for the aging population).

As advised, I walked my disintegrating body down to the scheduling desk to arrange for some of the recommended tests. The cute little +or- 23 year-old receptionist asked me a few personal questions about my anatomy in preparation for my upcoming appointment...Skip the rest of this post if you tend to squirm when I get a little too honest...

YOUNG receptionist: "Will this be your first mammogram?"
Me: "Yes. Lucky me."
YOUNG receptionist: Courtesy laugh. "Our technician will be here in about 15 minutes. Would you'd like to do it today."
Me: "Uh. No. No way. I am NOT emotionally prepared for that today."
YOUNG receptionist: Doubting laugh. "She'll be right back. Are you sure?"
Me: "Nope. Really. I have yet to come to grips with my age and I need to before I do this. I'm turning 40." Exaggerated shudder.
YOUNG receptionist: Whatever laugh. "Oh. Okay. We'll just schedule an appointment for later. Okay. Are there any problems with your breasts?"
Me: "Yeah. Too small...and saggy."
YOUNG receptionist: Stunned laugh. "Okay. Last question...Do you have implants?"
Me: "Uh. No...too small...saggy, remember? HEY!! Maybe for my 40th birthday!"

Eventually I scheduled the mammogram and had the NON-pleasure of that experience today. Not nearly as bad as expected...Hopefully like turning 40.

Super Spring Break in St. George

We had a great week-long spring break in St. George full of running, swimming, Snow Canyon, Silver Reef, Zion's Park, miniature golfing, movie-viewing, batting cages, eating, and enjoying the beautiful weather and general lack of snow! Our best idea was to take the Wilkos along with us. Our kids enjoyed each other and everyone was on their best behavior...even Brent ;)

What I was thinking at mile 7.

Yesterday I ran a half marathon. (That's 13.1 miles for those of you lucky enough not to be stuck in mental and physical vortex that is a running hobby.) Near mile 7, Chasing Pavements by Adele began to play on my MP3 player. Over and over I heard Adele ask herself, "Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements? Even if it leads nowhere..." Fatigue, a headwind and roads full of frozen slush definitely begged the same question but the lyrics about unrequited affection also mirrored the latest analysis of my love-hate relationship with running. As Adele admitted to pouring emotional energy into something that is not panning out, I wondered the same thing. Why on earth do I run?

I really do love to run. It gives me some personal time and helps me feel strong and confident. Lately, however, my heart (and other body parts) haven't been into it. When my running partner moved in December and then was stricken with a stress fracture, I realized how dependent on someone else I have become even to reach my own goals. In an attempt to ward off an impending birthday crisis, last year I determined to run 4 Utah marathons in 2010. Evidently, setting the goal didn't work and neither did forking out all the money for race registrations. Self-sabotage has taken over and I have let a serious lapse in training add to my spiraling self-concept. What is wrong with me?!

Anyway, to answer Adele's and my own question, yes, I am going to keep chasing pavements even though it doesn't seem to be leading anywhere. I am trying to recommit to my original goal to train well and enjoy this year of running. Bring on the marathons...
May-Ogden
June-Utah Valley
August-Park City
October-St. George.