So maybe you remember that I'M TURNING 40?!! Oh good. Just makin' sure.
As per a responsible adult, I recently went in for my "yearly" girl doctor checkup. "Yearly" in quotes because the first question the doctor asked was, "I have your last appointment date as nearly five years ago. Have you been seen somewhere else?" Uh, NO. Okay, I guess I should have put "responsible" in quotes instead.
The exam itself was uncomfortable as its several predecessors had forecast. Expected. Unexpected was the ensuing, lengthy discussion covering many topics that did much to heighten my already soaring anxiety...
birth control (we can't dethrone Alec as the youngest, favorite child now can we?),
weight control (can't I pleeasse just run a little and then eat a lot of whatever I want?) ,
sleep (lack thereof),
stress (abundance thereof),
nutritional supplements (for my rapidly draining body stash) and
recommended tests (you know, for the aging population).
As advised, I walked my disintegrating body down to the scheduling desk to arrange for some of the recommended tests. The cute little +or- 23 year-old receptionist asked me a few personal questions about my anatomy in preparation for my upcoming appointment...Skip the rest of this post if you tend to squirm when I get a little too honest...
YOUNG receptionist: "Will this be your first mammogram?"
Me: "Yes. Lucky me."
YOUNG receptionist: Courtesy laugh. "Our technician will be here in about 15 minutes. Would you'd like to do it today."
Me: "Uh. No. No way. I am NOT emotionally prepared for that today."
YOUNG receptionist: Doubting laugh. "She'll be right back. Are you sure?"
Me: "Nope. Really. I have yet to come to grips with my age and I need to before I do this. I'm turning 40." Exaggerated shudder.
YOUNG receptionist: Whatever laugh. "Oh. Okay. We'll just schedule an appointment for later. Okay. Are there any problems with your breasts?"
Me: "Yeah. Too small...and saggy."
YOUNG receptionist: Stunned laugh. "Okay. Last question...Do you have implants?"
Me: "Uh. No...too small...saggy, remember? HEY!! Maybe for my 40th birthday!"
Eventually I scheduled the mammogram and had the NON-pleasure of that experience today. Not nearly as bad as expected...Hopefully like turning 40.